By Cameron Begue, Staff Writer
The first hot dog was invented during the Third Crusade in 1191 by Godfrey Hodtog of Sicily, when he discovered you could force assorted raw meats into a cylinder before placing it into bread. Godfrey used his brilliant invention as rations to feed his large army when traveling. After a successful raid, Godfrey was speared through the chest by some guy, seemingly by accident. After Godfrey’s death, his close friend and alleged lover Henry the Dyslexic brought the new invention back to Europe. Henry spent the next thirty years of his life working to refine the hot dog into something more closely resembling the ones we eat today, consisting mostly of pork and limiting the ingredient of mystery meat to an amount that seemed somewhat fit for consumption. Over the next few centuries, the hot dog would become a staple of the European elite. The hot dog’s raw and natural beauty became one of the driving forces behind the Renaissance.
By the 1600s, hot dogs became dominant behind the closed doors of European affairs; wars were started and ended by the bite of a hot dog, and the masses had no idea. Eventually, these hot dog wars drove some enlightenment thinkers away; these anti-hot dogists went on to found the 13 colonies. The King of England allowed these free thinkers to continue their non-hot dog related practices in exchange for the natural resources of the continent. This agreement ended when George Washington was handed a hot dog during a dinner party with George III. Months later, the founding fathers banded together to declare independence from England to escape the oppressive grip of hot dogs. After the war, the great powers of Europe formed The Great Hot Dog Council.
The United States remained free from the influence of hot dogs for much of its history, and the revolutionary anti-hot dog spirit was slowly forgotten by the nation’s collective memory. While the European powers continued to fight over the meat cylinder, America was free to grow its industry. By the early 20th century, The Great Hot Dog Council of Europe grew wary of America’s growing influence and dispatched a spy by the name of Nathan Handwerker to bring the hot dog back to the American public. In 1916, the first Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog stand opened in Coney Island, sending America into a hot dog induced mania. Nearly 1 million children from 1916-1920 were given the first name “Hotdog”. Every nation in Europe sent donations to Handwerker to fund the takeover of America’s many baseball leagues. The new leagues were only allowed to sell hot dogs within their stadiums, a rule which still stands today. Although Handwerker’s mission was successful, The Great Hot Dog Council of Europe was displeased with his work in getting the United States to join World War I, a war which was fabricated to bring America closer to the glory of the hot dog.
Disgruntled and now out of a job, Handwerker’s dying wish to his two sons was to make sure hot dogs became the driving force behind American politics. His son Hotdog Handwerker took over Nathan’s Famous, turning it into the number one lobbyist in Congress. Every president since Ronald Reagan has been in bed with Big Hotdog. Nathan Handwerker’s younger son, Joey “Big Bun” Handwerker, traveled north to the small town of Alfred, New York, where he established a cult known today as The Hog, which stands for “Horse Organization Gog.” Even today, historians can’t agree on what Big Bun meant by this, or even on what a “gog” is. The Hog started the first Hot Dog Day in 1974 in hopes of reigniting America’s hot dog mania; instead, the celebration induced a brief weekend of hot dog induced psychosis. In 1997, The Hog’s compound was raided by the FBI, leading to their disbandment. Big Bun lived on for another 6 months, until accidentally being speared in the chest by some guy. Although The Hog no longer exists today, the town of Alfred still continues the tradition of Hot Dog Day, possibly because Nathan’s Famous is a major financial contributor to both Alfred University and Alfred State.